my sweet vengeance

2010-04-24T21:14:00.002+08:00

wow. it's certainly was a verrryyy long time since i last updated my blog huh? i've been too busy to even have time to rest.. hmm.. i've started school and im no longer working. and i'm superr bored. things have been soo outta place lately. and ders alot of things in my mind rite nw. i don't even know where to start. sometimes it's just not easy to say sorry to that someone, especially if u made the same mistakes not once but reapeated times.. and the worst part still, it's towards someone who never fails to care for u, the person who's always der to bck u up wen things go wrong, the person who takes all the blame for something u do. i never for once just sit bck to think abt what or hw she feels. im just too selfish to even bother abt what she's going thru because of me. and these whole feeling sucked.. big time.. i know now, no matter hw many sorry's i say to her won't help her heal the pain she's going thru. it won't help her forget the fact dat i'm the daughter she put before anyone else in her life. and i'm dat daughter dat dissapointed her time and again. what am i suppose to do now. she's hurt too much because of me. i bet she doesnt even want to look at me cos it's hurting her too much. i just dnt know hw to face her nw. i know, by staying over at my aunt's wnt help the situation cos im only running away from it. but what else can i do? if i continue staying der, im going to hurt her even more. haish.. shikin u seriously suck big time uhh... thanks for hurting ur mom... :(

I'm Left With No Choice

2010-03-01T14:13:00.002+08:00

heyy people.. sorry for the verry late update.. i've been busy with work && stuff.. and i barely have time to spend for my own updates.. well, what can i say, i found out dat i've been accepted for a course which i dnt want and has no link to tourism at all... thanks to dat sumone.. hehe.. bt i've yet to wait for my results on my hospitality and lto course.. which i've alrdy been on the interview.. simei's too far for me. && i doubt dat i'll be attending morning classes if i really dnt get the course i want.. it feels like shit i tell ya.. && well, works been fine. i've been to my d&d and after dat the whole lot of us went to pump room! gerek pe.. lol! alot of american dudes der.. and lucky me, i got one.. haha.. dat sounds bad rite? hehe.. well, he's been away since i cnt rmb wen, but he's been a good sport.. i hope he has a safe trip bck to wherever he's going. im looking forward to he's return bck to singapore tho'. && to dat someone, i miss u soo much. but i know for sure the feelings fading. and im truely sorry. i loved u. but i'm not sure the feelings der animore. and it sucks. coz i loved u deeply. but i guess u had no choice. u have WORK to do. and i shld have understand n be more patient. but honestly, i hate waiting. especially if u dnt even bother to try. y shld i?? im sorry dear. it's time u move on.. coz i think im doing fine without u. i miss u terribly, but i wnt hurt myself anymore..

2010-01-12T21:45:00.002+08:00

Hello earthlings. Back for more updates. Oh my, i really do'nt know what im getting into. And what i've done. I don't even know where to start. All i can say rite now is dat i'm sorry. Coz i didn't mean for it to happen. I know how hurt you are. And i know how sincere you are. But i just cldn't explain what happen. I'm confused all over. Yes i agree i'm not ready. Coz im too afraid of being in a relationship. And i can't deny the fact dat i do love you. I'm not blaming you for doubting my love for u. I can't. U have ur own reasons. Bt i just didn't expect that to come out from u. And i agree that it doesn't give me the proper reason to turn to someone else. When i should have just cleared it up with u. But he's the first person that came thru my mind that day wen u told me dat. I'm just so out of words. It happens to fast. And now im stuck in between the fact that i'm gonna hurt either one of u. I know u dn't like sharing me with others. No one does. So do i. The last thing i want is sharing a person i love with someone else. I didn't ask for all these cinte. Really. Im lost. Im afraid. I can't risk losing the both of u at the same time. Maybe i am self centered. Bt i dn't want to regret my decision. But i dn't want to live on with the guilt either. What am i suppose to do. I know deep down inside of u, ur like hurting so, so deep. And i'm to blame. Im sorry cinte, i really am.. i hope u'll find dat space in ur heart to forgive me. I really do.. i just dn't know hw else to explain the confused feelings deep down inside of me. I know. I have to do something.. But i dn't know how.. :(

It's Us Against The World

2010-01-07T19:51:00.010+08:00

Hello earthlings. Im bck for more updates:) Its been a great start to a brand new year. And a great ending to 2009 too. I managed to spend my new years eve with cinte and his girl friend. despite having to wait for a cab for more than 45 mins. :) Oh well, 2009 is over after all rite?

Well having a great start for 2010, i miss going bck to sch terribly, and i certainly miss my girrls from floorball. I have to wait till early feb to finally get to meet them all... And not foegetting i still haven't found a job!! Depressing i tell ya! You know hw bored it can be when u have to sit home all day. I just wish i cld have an early start at higher nitec.. hehe.. oh.. today's nt a bad day at all. I'm suppose to go out with cinte today. We were suppose to go to changi airport. hehe.. bt den i went der with my mom and abg2 to celebrate my oldest brother's birthday der. So cinte said we can go somewhere else. but then, mommy had to work and i have to saty home to look after grandad coz he's alone at home. So me being a good girrl listen to mommy and sat hme. But, having an itchy butt, i still had to go out with cinte.. i missed him. so i had him come down all the way to my area and teman me go do my stuff mommy asked me to do. he's sweet enough to follow me here and der. hehe.. i love u lah cinte. now he's going to dat kedai kopi mama to meet his frens. coz practically cinte also has an itchy butt and cldn't stay hme to rest.. :)

Btw, don't you just hate hearing mean things abt the person u love. maybe it's because i just dn't like having to think of losing that someone u really love. But then wen u think of the fact that the person closest to u is just trying to protect u from getting hurt. If u listen to people too much the trust wouldn't be der. and u'll just spoil the whole thing even without realising it. but if u dn't listen, and it happens to be true, u'll get hurt and say "damn, i should've listen.." why is there always a phrase, people will change in time and if you really love the someone, u'll leave all ur bad habits behind?? Isit even close to true? i mean,if you love that someone u'll have to accept the person as who he is rite? but what if u cldn't? wat do u do den?? just leave the person even without trying? why am i even talking abt all these?? LOL! I still do love cinte, alot.. And i swear it hasn't been these good of a feelings for so long.. I wouldn't have it any other way then to have him here. Really..

Btw, on 5th Jan 2010 i went to celebrate my eldest bro birthday. hehe. I really tot it falls on the 14th Jan 2010. How bad can i be huh? lol! but nonetheless, HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY ABG IMAN. i swear i love him alot. Amidst of having so much fun eating and eating my dear 3rd brother have to face another breakup. Abg wan, i love u ok? things will turn out for the better. i know it. Ur sucha wonderful human being, and if she doesn't see it, it's her lost. I'm always here to irritate u and annoy u. Dn't worry. I know it's been so,so long between u and her. But u've tried ur every best to give in to her every wants and needs, and if she still doesn't treasure u, she's not even worth ur tear, really.. Everyone in the family just wants the best for u. Even if it doesn't turn out well, everyone supports u and watever decision u make:) God bless you... And i love you abg. Always will..

Part Of Life

2009-12-28T18:09:00.002+08:00

Im sorry I haven't been updating. I know it's been like ages since i last updated and it's propably the best i deleted it, but i guess better not. I don't know what's up with me today that i finnally decide to update but well, here goes.

It's been a long journey in 2009 and honestly for the first time i never regreted a single day this year. Im contented with every single thing that happens. I've finally gotten my results and well, to my shock i did well. Enough to get me thru to higher nitec i guess. I'm hoping hard my other peers made it thru as well. And i missed floorball trainings like so, so much:) And i do miss my girrls. It's been a long time since we get into a proper conversation. And i'm hoping i get to see them real soon. Attachments are long over, and I got a C. Yarrh! A 'C'.. But i'm fine with it la. Hehe. I haven't been going out this hols, so i dn't have much to update about where i go and stuff. I've been spending more time at hme with my family. I can't recall the last time i stayed hme this much. But it's cool i guess.

This particular someone has been coming in and out of my life. And i don't exactly know why. Probably at times it's hard for me to let go and for him to decide what he's feeling exactly. Having to see you come and go like this scares me a whole lot.I swear it's like a story that repeats itself. The difference? U're with someone this time round. And you really stir up my feelings. It's hurting me even more then the last time. And the last time i checked, it ended up badly as well. I dont exactly know why i'm like still fighting the war when's it's clearly over. And why i keep clinging on to something that clearly doesnt have an ending. I know i told you i wld stay long enough untill you totally decide. But i dnt want to lose something i fight for. I dn't want to regret making this decision again. The last time i moved on, 'he' came bck and the feelings i had for him before that never did. What if I make that decision to move on now, and 'you' come bck. what will i do then? let you just suffer like hw 'he' did? (if ur wondering if im talking abt the same person, i'm not). why does it have to be the same? why can't it be different this time round? why does it always have t0 hit the same person? oh well, i'll just have to decide later.

Right now, I can't wait to celebrate the coming of 2010!! :)

It's Been A Long Time

2009-11-09T22:53:00.002+08:00

I haven't been updating for a very long time. And I know, it's boring in here. But i was so busy with attachment and stuff that i got no time.. And i admit, i missed blogging:) Things have gone very wild nowadays. But I'm admitting to the fact that I've grown a whole lot during the times I'm absent from ur lives... But I admit. I'm starting to miss my friends from school and from floorball.. They made sucha a huge impact in my live. Honestly. They gave me strength and warmth and a huge lot of laughter.. Lonely is another word i could say when they are not around. But ya. I'll update more when i can start to think of something again.. LOL!

I'm Can't Wait

2009-10-13T19:22:00.002+08:00

6 MORE DAYS TO MY BIG DAY!!!! :)

Finally

2009-10-07T13:47:00.005+08:00

Hello dear readers. I know it's been a looonnngggg time since i last updated. I've been so lazy to update altho most of the times I'll be online to check my facebook and stuff. Heehee. Well, my raya has been great. Altho' i feel empty most of the time. For the first time, im celebrating my raya without my grandmom and it left me so lonely not having her around anymore. Not having her to cook for me. And not having her to complain how little these people are giving for hari raya. Heehee.. She is my major gossip pal!! But I'm glad Atok is still around for me and my family. Ohh well, I've started my attachment alrdy. And my floorball competition is coming. So i'm very-very busy with stuff nowadays. I don't really know what to update. My camera is spoilt. So i have basically no pictures to upload. Not that I don't have at all lahh. But i only have a few. But ohh well... I'll update the pics i have for you okay? Teehee..

Err.. I know my post is abit all over the place. But i have no idea on what to update. Raya has been great! Life has been great! Family and friends have been great! What else could I ask for rite? I'm moving on with life just fine. I've learnt to move on with life. Because iI realised that waiting for someone who doesn't even bother an inch about you is just not worth waiting for. Yes i agree to the extend if you love someone, u'll wait. But for how long? And when you do wait that long, u'll realised he's already moved on long before you did. And you will then realise, why the hell did i wait for so long? You'll get hurt more then you know it. Yes i agree, i missed him. I missed him ALOT! Sometimes my itchy fingers couldn't resist just wanting to dial his number up and just hear him say hello. But i wouldn't want to do that. I just don't feel like getting hurt even more. So well, I still have my family, my friends and not forgetting my babygirrl:)

Picture time!!

Heehee.. I know the pictures are all over the place. Don't mind my laziness okay?? Hehehehe!!

Happy Reading!

I'm Sorry

2009-09-29T16:20:00.000+08:00

Im too lazy too update. I'll give a proper update soon.. I promise:)

I Give Up

2009-09-15T19:06:00.002+08:00

I give up. AGAIN. Your promises are empty words which hurt me. Not once, but twice. I keep on putting aside the fact that people say your'e no different from any other guys. But i still fought for you. I still gave you a chance to prove it, I still gave ME a chance to love. And now they say, "see, what did i tell you?". And i still said,"no! he's different" I still do not want them to think you're bad. Why? Because I still love you. And you know i always will. But you still do it. All those days I keep on saying that you might change. The fact that i don't want to hate you. Cause I don't hate people. I don't like hating. I don't have the right. I promise that someone i'll make you happy. And i'll stick to that promise. I'll let you go of all the guilt you're feeling. Even tho' it hurts me, even tho' it kills me inside to just see you walk away and never looking back. I can't read your mind. I don't know what you want. You think it's not hurtful when people around me say your name? I keep on smiling, when all i want to do is cry. Muhammad Yusri. Why must you do all these? I keep on asking myself. And I'm never getting the answer. I want you to be happy, but i'm hurt. What am i suppose to do? I really don't know..

I'ts Part Of Life

2009-09-07T18:56:00.007+08:00

Hey earthlings. I'm back. And my days are fine i assume. School is ending sooner then i expected. You never realise when the days in school are moving. Time fly so fast, that when i think about it, I'm going to miss the days spent with each and everyone of you. We fought, we quarrelled, we laughed. All of those moments we spent will never be forgotten. Let's start...

Sakinah Sayang,

You are the most wonderful,soft spoken,crazy and most blur girlfriend I ever met you know. Being with you for all these while has been a great journey. Never did I imagine you to be the one person in school I'll ever be close with tau. And I love you from the bottom of my heart sweetheart. You've been such a wonderful friend who's been by my side all these while and I can't thank you enough. You never failed to listen atho sometimes you are out of words, you still listened. And it makes me feel better. Just having you to be around me. And always reminding me about school. Do stay pretty always. And I wish you a everlasting relationship with Afiq. Not forgetting a wonderful life journey ahead of you.

Alif.D Sayang,

You!! Fucker! haha. The crazy one, the sexual active one in the clan. Now i have to label you as "abg-abg motor":) I never thought you'll be this close. You've been giving me advice for almost everything. Getting to be with you has been a great journey. Making me do things I never thought i'll do. These few months have always been a crazy journey when you're around. I don't know what i'll do without you around. Alif, I love you. And i can't don't know how to put it in words of how to thank you. Altho' sumtimes you really get on my nerve, you are a wonderful person. Inside and out. You crazy bitch. Have a everlasting relationship with Lyn. Take good care of her. ( I know you will) And have a great journey in life. You're a wonderful bestfriend. You really are.

Sabrina Sayang,

You are a wonderful girlfriend! Always bubbly and smilling. Always there for me. Listening to each and every one of my whinning. Thank you baby. For everything. I swear you are a great friend. My kaki lepak! Sayang, I love you so much. I don't know how to describe how much i love spending time with you. You blur-ness, you lame jokes. You never fail to entertain me. Thank you sayng. Thank you so much. :) Have a everlasting relationship and have a wonderful life journey.

Pamela Baby,

Wow, i can't describe how much i'm going to miss you and your nonsense. The laughter we had thru all these many months. The thought of having you always being there when i have doubts, when i have these tears running down my cheeks, you were there. Always. Pam, You've been sucha a wonderful sister. I never thought you could be there even tho' for the fact we were from different clans, you would be there just like you were for the rest of us. God bless you for being the wonderful person i met thru life.

Shakila Baby,

You!! haha.. The moments with you were plain crazy. You teach me to be patient, always wanting to be there for people. I like your spirit. You soul so pure. Shakila. Thanks. For listening to my blabbering, all the time. Altho' i know sumtimes it's random, But you never failed to listen and give ur thoughts. I'm going to miss you. And you loud laughter in class. You're funny actions. Can bright up anyone's day. Thank you. So much for everything.

Lenny Sayang,

You! Cheereleader! Wow, You are crazy and so one of a kind. Your'e a great friend to laugh with. It's abit random to talk about you, but yarrh. Your'e sucha sweetheat lahh Lenny. Sometimes, You can be so random, I don't know what to do with you! haha.. But i'm gonna miss you. Thanks for all the small nitty gritty things you've done:) Have a wonderful live journey ok love:) I love you:)

Nashra,Ailing. Thank you so much for the wonderful time. The funny jokes from Nash. The wrong sentences from Ailing. haha. The very funny actions from Lenny. All of you. Thank you so much for the wonderful journey i've had in my life. All those nitty gritty things from all of you. OMG! I can't thank God enough for the little things being given to me, like having you people around. All the time. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I love all of you sweethearts.

My Days Are Going To Be Fine!

2009-09-03T13:52:00.008+08:00

Hello earthlings:) Well, I went out to Geylang with Hafiz, Nazri,Firman,Dayana, Fahmie and Idah yesterday. It was ok. Thanks Hafiz for the treat. Altho' he is cheeky lah. But it's in his nature. haha. We walked around Geylang and i swear that Geylang is getting very boring each year. We didn't do much. Except that Idah and Fahmie went for their treading. After that we basically walked about the whole of Geylang. Damn it was hot yesterday. And I saw my old friend,Aidil in the train. It's been a long time since I last saw him. It's been like 9 months? I think.And he hasn't changed abit. still with that long hair and that same topshop bag wherever he goes. LOL! Hoping to get to see him more often now. I still miss pinching his hands when he's around:)

And well, today i went to the Army Open House. Cool Shit man! All the hot hunks! haha. I saw my dear Hafidz there also. It's been a long time huh? Haha. He on the other hand hasn't change ABIT! Still the same. We managed to talk. Abit. As if i didn't talk to him online like that. LOL! Shikin,Shikin.. Shalini and I are planning to go again tmr to see the shows as we did not manage to watch the shows just now. Only the first part. So ya. We're going again tmr. Haha. Very kiasu rite.. haha.

And,and. Did I mention that I alrdy did my hair. WEEE~ I got back my long and straight hair. I'll upload all the pics once i have the time. For now, I'm still in school. So I'll Get the pics uploaded soon:)

And as for you, my dearest Md. Yusri, I don't know what else to say but just plain dissapointment from you. I don't know what is it that is going on. Or what is it that you want out of all this ignorance and stuff. Clearly to me you are just running away from the fact that YOU are too scared to be honest. And I swear to God, YOU are a COWARD! I'm sorry if i have to say that. But you crash my heart like it's only paper to your eyes. Gave the world like it's nothing. So much of always being busy. But yes, being me, I'll wait, I'll suffer, I'll break if i have to. But you know that I do love you still. No matter how much you are breaking my heart now. I'll wait, just like i always do. And alot of guys still ask me why I'm being insecure?? Why I don't trust GUYS?? I'll give you the answer now.........

IT'S BECAUSE OF GUYS LIKE YOU! TREATING GIRLS LIKE TRASH, GIVING THE WORLD,THE HOPE...

But than again, I'm nice, I'm patient,I'll wait. Like usual:)

You're No Different

2009-09-01T18:19:00.003+08:00

Don't blame me if i don't trust guys.Because you proofed to be no different. Offering the whole world and crushing it like it's nothing. But that's life. Right? Too lazy to update. Sorry. I'm abit angry and upset.

Im All Outta Words,Dear

2009-08-31T10:26:00.004+08:00

Heyy.. It's been a while i last updated. Yet again. I keep on whinning about how much my life sucked. And yet again, it still sucked. Im upset about certain things and I'm seriously outta words here. I don't know why. You've been avoiding me the way you did. Was it me? I don't know. I know you can be busy and stuff. Yet again if i could post up all the msges You used to send me. I would. The changes seem so drastic to me. I don't know what to say. Not even a spare of 5 mins for me? You could have all the time in the world You need. But if you couldn't be bothered to do anything what else am I suppose to say? All im asking for is just 5 to 10 mins out of your very busy day. And it seems that I'm asking to much from you. I thought by giving in to your ways it could makes things better. But I find myself missing you more and more each and everyday. I'm not blaming you. But i hope you know that i love you still. No matter what might happen. I just want to see you happy even tho' it might hurt me deep down... I know in life you win some and you lose some. But You are that one thing I'm not willing to let go. You should know that. I care for you more than you know. I loved you more then i can say. But then again. I have to smile. I have to pretend that nothings wrong. Life's a Climb. You have to learn the hurt. My close friend remind me one thing. And for someone like him, It actually make sense ya Hafiz Syukor? haha. "If you cannot accept the facts of life, You are no where near in understanding what life is all about."

I'm The Luckiest Girl On Earth

2009-08-24T14:10:00.003+08:00

Ola.. I'm in school now. And I'm like sooooo hungry.. hehe.. Meet up with dearest before going to school just now. And now he's at home dozing off like a cute baby and leaving me to die in school. Hehe. He's working later at 6 so before going to work he's fetching me from school and going over to my babygirrls crib to get something and after that he's going straight to work. Pity him lahh. Has to work and yet have to entertain his so lazy girrlfriend. Its not true when they say all guys are the same. It leaves it unfair for the guys who are actually kind-hearted ya know. Different guys have their flaws and stuff. I'm lucky to have him. I really am. He's just the sweetest drug. Not the typical mat-mat CD i have to say. But he's verry.....hmm.... How do i put it... I don't know. Let me keep all the good things to myself alright...??? hehe... Cute kan kau! I'm never tired to say those 3 words to him. I mean the "cute kan kau!!!" hehe.. Everytime i think about it. I'm so afraid. I know for sure he won't leave me. I trust him. Cause he's been honest to me right from day one. And Shahril has been saying that he's a nice guy.( kau nie mcm paham lahh ril...haha) But i can see that he always does thing that makes me feel so safe. Really. I LOVE YOU BABY!

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”

Your The Sweetest Thing I Could Ever Ask For

2009-08-21T19:59:00.004+08:00

Hello people:). I unprivatised my blog cause i guess i have nothing better to do. Haha. Well, My days have never been better. I swear to God and am very thankful that I've met you dear. My heart has this burning sensation everytime your around. Honest. Your'e really the sweetest thing you know. Your smile. OMG, i tell you. I swear it melts my heart. You really are different. I promised that someone I'll take good care of you. And I will. I promise you that. I can see that you are really very sincere when it comes to loving me. I can really see that. I can see the whole world flash right infront of me when i'm around you. You really are that special to me. Every single moment spent with you, even if it was that 5 mins near your work place brightens up my day. I still have no answer to why you are that special to me, but love has no reason ya? Your touch is so gentle, it makes me feel somehow you are being uncomfortable around me. Not realising that the reason you do that is because you respect me as your girlfriend. And i couldn't ask for more. Baby, kite sayang awak lahh..

Btw, to all my muslims friends out there, Selamat menjalani ibadah puasa. And I can't wait to meet him later before my mom comes home:) because i cant possibly hug him during fasting month ya? Hehe. So miang ehh shikin. And,and, he's working tmr. full shift okay! So boring.... Hmphf! I miss him that badly already:(

♥Muhammad Yusri♥

Random-ness Doesn't Hurt

2009-08-20T13:36:00.003+08:00

Hello people. I'm speechless over what happen. Can I say that you are the sweetest thing that ever happen? How can you be so different? hee. It's not that im judging the fact that there are nice guys out there. and honestly, I never thought you'd enter my life and yet made a huge difference in my life so fast. But yes, YOU are sweet. You are ADORABLE. Maybe its to early to say. But then YOU make me feel so safe whenever your'e around. After so long being to scared to break down the walls that i've created thru the months of trying to find my inner-self. You've finally did it. yes you! And i'm glad u came into my life. Honestly:)

The Countdown Is Slow.

2009-08-17T13:09:00.002+08:00

The countdown is so slow.. I can't be bothered to wait.. hehe.. I feel much better that i've privatised my blog. Cause now I can tell whatever i feel without having people to talk mean things about me. And NO, i'm not a coward, I just want to gather my strength back after all that has happen... I can't take the harsh words that was being mentioned to me. Cause i'm not the strong girrl i used to be. So for the time being, i'll just stick to my decision of privatising my blog. When you entered my life, it hasn't been easy. Yes, whatever you did, just make me not trust you more. You make me hate you. The lies you created, OMG.. i tell you. Not once, not twice, but alot. I can't take it anymore. Letting you go was the only option left. Seriously. It's not that the love wasn't there, I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't think I need to apologies to you over what happen. Cause I honestly think that i didn't do anything wrong. So be it to what you and her have to say. The lies the both of you created is just too much.. Really...

Counting Down

2009-08-16T16:47:00.001+08:00

4 more days....

I Never Regreted A Single Moment Of My Life

2009-08-15T20:21:00.002+08:00

It's been a difficult week. And i believe things happen for a reason. I don't want to elaborate more cause i know some pple will still read my blog and yet create unsuspecting stories and lies. And for that particular reason, im privatising my blog. Knowing "you" is never a regret to me. Cause every single one i meet in my life taught me new things. And thats why i say i never regreted anything. I can still accept you even if it hurts me and kills me. But i hate it when i get to hav some unhappy ppl get involved. I don't create lies about you ppl. It's the fact that you CANNOT ACCEPT THE FACT OF LIFE! And if telling a lie help you get around things, i pity you. Honestly. Don't crap around cause one day ur lies are the things that brings you down. Im doing a countdown for my privatising.... :)

It's 5 days from now.........

I'm Starting To Fall For My Own Trap

2009-08-05T13:27:00.005+08:00

Haish.. It's hard to think about it.. I fell into something i created. I didn't want to. But yes i agree. I see changes in you. The things you did. Yes proved to me alot. It breaks my heart to see you indulge yourself into something like this. But it happened in the past. And i know for every crime, you have to pay the price. But i believe time passes very fast. And i know you will be out soon. The conversation left me in tears. And now I'm wondering why. It was a plan to make you hurt, but now, I'm like digging my own grave by falling into things i know for sure i shouldn't have fell for it. But i realised I've given you a 2nd chance to change. and you did it. Unnoticingly you did. So i guess i fell. For my own trap. Haish. I know for sure she'll never stop bothering you. Cause she never did stop bothering me either. Both of us know the reasons. And she'll never get tired of it. I know it. I'm not regretting this moment, and i never regreted anything that happen between us. i will try to stay strong. As long as i can. I always have been, and i know i can make it thru. But who am I kidding. I'm breaking down at almost everything nowadays. I am as strong as i used to be. I'm craked at almost every part of my heart. Even now, it's already crumbling to pieces. How am i suppose to carry on this way? Without faith, without believe. What else have i got? But i cannot run away from things. Because if i run, it'll never end. But if i face it, i crash.

Sometime's I Wonder

2009-08-03T18:01:00.000+08:00

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

Broken,So Broken

2009-07-31T20:14:00.005+08:00

“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

No matter how hurt I am on the inside, I'm moving on without you. The war has ended.

Going Thru Life,Not Knowing What's Next

2009-07-29T15:07:00.004+08:00

i'm like in class. and utterly bored. My flu has been there since god knows when. And i swear it's freaking irritating. But it's okay. They say when u fall sick, God loves you. Hehe. Or isit God remember you?? Lol. Been thinking on whether or not to qiut my zoo job. Cause my attachment is drawing near. And i swear i don't know if i can tahan or not. Btw people. I hope you guys won't be expecting too much from my post causeseriously i'm toooooo lazy to update. And honestly, my life's getting boring day by day. It's always the same routine. No changes. And i'm getting bored to even update my blog cause i haven't been doing or experiencing much of life lately. And I get stuck everytime i log on to blogger. I've been wanting to do something tomy life but i can't say much about it cause i've yet to know what. Life without that someone has been tiring. And boring. But i still need to go thru life rite? Hmm... I really din know what to expect anymore. Well.. No one knows either.... I won't be updating anytime soon.. So take care people:)

I'm Living My Life, Day By Day

2009-07-27T13:50:00.002+08:00

Hello readers. It's been long since I updated and I admit, my blog has been very dead. Been lazy to update. Cause honestly i don't know what to update about. And i believe that i have been complaining about my love life. And I'm getting abit bored at it too. Hahs. Recently I've been to lazy to attend work. And not forgetting lazy to attend work as well. I'm quitting my job soon.Hehe. Getting bored at ticketing. And i'm doing it the evil-est way ever. Leaving my uniforms in the locker. Wuuhuu... Hee.. I'm getting too lazy to do anything. Being a verry verry lazy pig. I know. My mom's been nagging at me. I'm verry sorry for the so very boring update people. I seriously don't know what to update about. Help me?? You people give me a topic and i'll update okay? Can? haha.. Questions? Topic?? That will do. Haha :)

2009-07-21T13:35:00.007+08:00

i'm dying inside.

Is anyone out there?

It's the DREAM again. Over and over again without FAIL. It's all fine with you. I

know you too well.No matter how bad the situation is, I can read you like a

BOOK! You WON'T admit will you. Pretend like nothings going on, when for

sure you know it's been bothering me not only for 5 days... BUT,

5 FREAKING MONTHS!!!

Here i am in tears.And i feel so stupid right now. Do you know... Help me thru this....

PLEASE!!!

2009-07-20T14:22:00.002+08:00

I'm starting to struggle thru whatever shit that is happening rite now. Having frens ard just doesn't help. And i'm starting to feel out of place. Even the closest frens seem like just another stranger to me. Ard only when happy. Mom always say that. And it's kinda true. But whatever lah. Somehow the 'dreams' about you are coming in more often. And I know, it's only a dream. But why has it been like a whole F***ING week. Isit just me? Or are you like really wanting to tell me something?? I missed you, a whole lot. And it breaks, it bleeds inside. Syami tried making me feel better, but the more you tried making me feel convinced that everything is okay, the more it's not. Every now and than, i tried to move forward, but every single time my heart try to move on,my feet stopped. When my feet tried to moved on, my heart stopped to look back and not letting it all go. So why isit always that way? Yes, maybe what i'm going thru now is not as bad as it looks like to some ppl. But i'm fighting the war all by myself. And i'm tired. I'm exhausted. The war started with two ppl. And now it's only me! Yes me! And for what am i fighting for. I really don't noe. I'm searching for the answer to no question. And i'm searching for the question but no answer. What isit that i want? Over exagerate much aren't i? But life has so many things in store. Not only for me, but to everyone else. You get busy with so many things. To avoid getting on reality. Your'e racing against time when yoou know u can't possibly win. Why are you still doing it then? What isit you want? Aren't you tired of denying? of manipulating yourself? Aren't you? I'm tired. I really am. I lost! i admit. So give it up will you. You know for the fact that You are not that strong as you look. And I'm tired of fighting myself and my soul for you. Mistakes are done! You can't turn it back. Why can't you give it up? Why? Beacuse i won't? I'm fighting for the sake of getting you back. And you are fighting for the sake of not wanting to admit something that is alrdy there. And you know it. Stop torturing me this way Saha. Please!

2009-07-14T13:48:00.006+08:00

The secret mean behind name NOR ASHIKIN is : You have enormous vitality and originality making you a dynamic individual with great charm and sex appeal. You believe in putting one hundred per cent into all your activities of which there are many. You have potential to achieve great success in business or public affairs where your friendship and consideration of others wins you many allies. Your innate strength and determined effort is able to overcome any obstacles. Freedom is important to you.

I checked the meaning behind my name at facebook. And this is what I got. Somehow, I don't know if it's trrue. Hmm.... I actually wanted to post this up yesterday, but i slept the whole day when i reached hme. hehe. I didn't know why i felt so lethargic yesterday. I'm guessing not only yesterday, but it's been a few days and i still feel the same. SHITASS! I am like in class and have like 1 more hour to go. With nothing to do. So herre I am blogging. And somehow, I haven't feel like I am being myself lately. I don't know what's been bothering me. But something surre is. And I'm still wonderring what. Maybe it was "the" drream. Maybe it's something else. I don't know. And it sucks having to have that kinda feeling. Monkey hasn't been texting me everrsince. But hope you arre doing well.

Btw, tmrr i'm watching Harry Potter with my dearrest Bie. Hehe:) booked the tix alrrdy. It's gonna be so FUN!!!! hehehehe... I'm down with flu AGAIN. Haiyah. It spoils my day evrrytime i'm down with flu. But then, sick orr not sick, I'm still late forr sch. Teehee. Somehow, life's been verry plain.. Don't you guys think so?? It's the same old rroutine everry single day. School,home. That's all I everr do. And durring weekends, I'm worrking. And yet again it's the same old people. Haiyah. This Sunday I'm worrking. 8.15 to 2.15. borring knn? And afterr that anyone wants to go out? It's too earrly to go hme lehh. What am i suppose to do.. haha.. Go hme and sleep? Yarrh. I've been a pig. Hee... Eat..bath..sleep.. hehe... Goodness shikin! Life is borring!

Dah.. I'm tirred of blogging.. Will update soon:)

2009-07-13T14:11:00.003+08:00

hey.. ppl.... so long never update.. got a lil' lazy updating nw a days.. hehe.. well... school's been okay... weekends was working:) its okayy lahh.. since i've got nothing to do at hme. might as well i work. to keep my mind off things also lahh... been missing him much more lately. Hmm... Kamil has been in and out of my blog.. haha.. I KNOW OK KAMIL!!! haha.. best bace blog orang?? i wonder hw's he doing now.. I pity him. Really. And my dearest girrlfrriend has been upset late.. Girrl.. You arre a strrong perrson. I know you can get thrru this. It won't be long till things get betterr... I'm surre of it.. be patient kie?? Alif. d isn't in school today... hmm... wonder wats wrong with his friend.. i'm certainly going off at 3.. too lazy to stay.. so i'm going to slack at hme today.. tho' its the last place i wana slack at.. haha...

Msged monkey just now. He's going to have a girrlfriend soon. I rreally hope it's what you want monkey. I prray for the best things in life forr you. You have to know, in life we can meet a million ppl. And that one million people can have the unique things that maybe otherr people won't have. You don't need to erase your past monkey. You can keep it. So at least as you move on in life you will look back and know that in life you have met the different people that makes your life different. And learn that it's the memories you create with them that makes your life special. Monkey, you are special in yourr own way. Learrn to trreasure urrself. Because to that girrl you arre special. No matter how much you say that urr not good enuf, u are gd enuf to sumone. you just don't know it. Orr in anotherr worrds, urr trrying to push away that perrson.
But you know i carre forr you. And I carre the same forr my any otherr frrens. If you need me i'll be therre. But I know forr surre, you can't be therre forr me when I need you. It's always like that. Somehow, It's always the same phrrase. I'll be therre if you need me. But you know it's neverr trrue. But I keep holding on to faith that you will. Don't know why. Maybe i'm stupid in a way. To believe that it's going to be trrue. Yourr text msges arre nvr ignored. Your calls arre always answerred. But why?? I'm not surre myself. But i'm still happy forr you monkey. Whateverr happens, you know it:)

And kamil. You better go to school and take good carre of yourrself. Save your money.. Don't waste! Underrstand! haha.. Urr always missing forr some rreason.. Mcm budak 15 tahun plak.. Haha... You know, I know okayy?? hahaha... Dahh okay.. Dats all forr now:)

2009-07-08T22:16:00.004+08:00

Hmm.. My 2nd photoshoot pictures are out... But I don't like it at ALL. I'm abit dissapointed that it din turn out well... Hmm..... But herre they are anyways...

I'm abit lazy to update.. sorry people.. I'll update soon kayy....

2009-07-06T22:01:00.003+08:00

Woohoo.. I'm back at home. I know it's late. But somehow when I came back from school just now i decided to go to the shop to get something but i couldn't find it so I walked back home. Slowly. And then, lucky enough I saw my friend. It's been ages since I last saw him. Somehow I am so sorry dear. About what happen to you. As a friend i feel guilty for not being there for you. I thought you were doing fine. But sometimes assumptions aren't as good as you think. After so long, then I knew what you were going thru. I'm so sorry. I promise you now, i won't make you feel alone. I don't know if you are reading this. But you don't have to be alone. I'm here. Always. You deserve someone betta dear. That's for sure. You ARE betta off without her there. I'll try to help you in any way that i can. I'm sorry for being a very bad friend in the past. Now since i know, I will try and make things better for you in any way that i can. I'm glad that when you left just now there were smiles on your face. It makes me feel better in a way that i can at least put a smile in your face since that is one way i can see you happy. Tho' at times you talk crap lahh. haha.

Btw, the post below is in the morning when im in school.

Don't get confused okay?? :)

2009-07-06T13:48:00.003+08:00

Im now in school. God Im sleepy. Honest. Haha. It's only the first day of school. Eventually, I was suppose to have my floorball training... But it was cancelled. Due to some reasons. And I received my new timetable and most of the days i will finish school at 5pm.. Yarh, 5pm. Like hell i tell ya. But i guess it's okayy lahh.. Haha. Btw, most of my darlings in class likes my photoshoot pictures.. Thank you guys. I didn't know you guys read my blog lorr. Haha. My 2nd photoshoot pictures will be ready soon. So i'll upload them once it's ready:) My next photoshoot is on the 15th of August. Can't wait:) I'm asking for off on that day. *winx*

It's been a long time since you called. And like alot of people has been asking about us. Just hoping that people will stop asking. Cause I don't feel like talking about us. It's over, and you've moved on. I've learnt to move on. It's funny sometimes when we always say that moving on helps. When the truth is, it is of no use sometimes. Cause honestly, to me, no matter how much you move on. That one day will come when you will stop and look back at the past and ask yourself why it happened. And after that you'll start to think if you should have done something instead of letting go. Cause letting go just proves how weak humans are. Instead of keeping it as sweet memories. You've decide to let go. Let go of the memories. Let go of the past. It doesn't mean when we're no longer in the fight, we have to let go of everything. Learn to just treasure it as a present we got in life. Cause memories created with that special someone is only created once. It might never happen again. So I believe. I really don't know whats up with my entry today. But yarrh:) That's life *winks* Happy reading!!!

2009-07-04T15:16:00.004+08:00

hello all my sayangs. i swear I'm like hating myself a whole lot now.. Ya Allah, forgive me for being so self centered. I dreamt about my late Grandmother and late Tapa. I swear i tried my best. to make your lives happy before u took ur last breath and closed your eyes forever. But the dream. Really made me regret not spending enough time with you.

MUSTAFA BIN NORDIN

Tapa, i swear i tried making time for you. why did you have to go so fast? I regretted not calling you the morning when you arrived in Singapore. I regretted not being able to tell you how i felt.. about us. Tapa u keep appearing in my dreams. and i always felt the touch that always makes me feel better. Altho' you passed on. leaving behind memories. the dreams i had about us always left me with tears. Why do i miss you so much after so long. I admit. I regretted a whole lot. My heart ached everytime. Knowing that during the times we spent together, there's alot of times i could have just admitted I LOVE YOU. BUT I DIDN'T. I KNOW. I'M STUPID. Tapa, keen rindu tapa. why can't the touch last? why can't the smile last? The memories you created for me, will always be treasured. Never once did i fail to pray that you always will be happy. Where unconditional love is always showered onto you. You created a world that nobody else could ever do. You open up my heart, my eyes to see the world i've never seen. The tears you wiped away. The calls you made. I'm sorry if i never told you how i felt. And I am sorry for not spending time with you....

GRANDMOM

You are my HERO. My guardian angel. You are my mother. Showering me with unconditional love. It's different without you around. no one to cook my favourite food. no one to wait up for me. to buy my favourite cadbury chocolate. No more. U passed on. leaving behind all your loved ones. you took great care of me. No matter what condition i was in. nenek, keen rindu nenek. i miss you terribly..........

2009-06-30T20:35:00.002+08:00

My blog is like getting boring. Because i haven't been experiencing anything nice. Sorry people. School's starting next week. And i'm so looking forward to school. Hehe. Work has been okay. No complains. Just got my uniform just now..*winks* I've been extremely moody now a days. don't know why. And I'm kinda lonely inside. But yes. people around me has been asking me to look on the bright side. haha. that's because you have a bright side to look at. I don't know why i'm like battling a war. Deep down, to me, the war never ended. You left but i'm still fighting. For what? I don't know. And i'm starting to give up things that used to make me happy in the past. I'm starting to feel i wanna give up floorball. And I'm sorry. I just don't know why i'm reacting this way. I'm to lazy to update futher. Till next time:)

2009-06-25T13:04:00.006+08:00

I'm back. Eventually, someone asks me to update my blog. If you could be kind enough to leave your name so I know who you are. But whatever it is my days could be fine. Just fine enough to start with.

24th June

I was working yesterday. And after wotk i went to watch Transformer with my 2 siblings. The show btw is a MUST watch. Yes. It's damn good i tell ya. Haha. Of course i got free tix for the show. Heh. I sat like in the 1st row and right at the corner.. WTH right?? but it was okayy lahh. Cathay's sitting is comfy enuf to last for 2hr30mins. I really didn't know that the show was even that long. :)

23rd June

My ex-boify's bdae was today, which i really,really,REALLY thought falls on the 27th. Hmm.. Talking about him just makes me wonder if he's alright. I decided not to fight anymore. I'm to tired. I'll just let things fall in it's place. Fighting for something you don't know will belong to you is tiring. It wears you off. So fast. You don't even know you've been fighting for it for so long. The thought of it haunts me till now. Why did it end that way? Why did we have to fight so much? Why? He said even if he loves me or miss me he wouldn't want to say it. And i'm still wondering why. Never once was there an answer. And I decide to give up. Because of the fact that there's always a better person out there. For who?? I don't know exactly. If your'e not good enuf for me. No one will. And whatever you did, it's always a question. No answer, no clue. Just tears. Tears that never stop. I've known you long enuf. to know that you ARE HURT. Because you changed to someone even you don't know. And for what. You are fighting for something you don't even know if it's going to end. Saha, it's never to late to turn back. Never been. Even if it's not for me, do it for You. Please. AND BTW, HAPPY 19TH BDAY BABY. HOPE YOUR'E BEING BLESSED WITH ALL THE NICEST THINGS IN LIFE. BEING WITH YOU HAS TAUGHT ME SO MUCH ABOUT LIFE. THANK YOU:(

22nd June

I went out to meet Nina after work. And at the same time meet my idiotic monkey buddy. LOL. It's been so long and he's still as annoying as usual. Trying to irritate me. Idiot! haha. It's been so long since the 3 of us meet. And finally. It was today. That idiot took so long to decide if he wanted to go out. Sampai tertido aku! After waiting for sooooo long he said okay. Stupid rite?? LOL. He's going to kill me if he reads thiis. Sorry monkey. haha. We met at town and walked around. waiting for nina to finish work. :) It was a short meeting. But since that monkey also had other plans and due to the fact that i went out without telling my dad, i had to go hme early. haha. so much for being daddy's girl huh.

THE IDIOT & ME:)

2009-06-19T18:37:00.004+08:00

hello dearest erthlings. i've been watching korean shows lately and it kinda reflects on me. alot. i kinda missed the times where i was special to that someone. the times we used to spend together. the times we fought because of minor things. the times wen we used to fight over fries at macdonalds after school. the times i complained to mak that you bullied me all the time. the time you told me i was being annoying for waking you up early so you could send me to school. those times i know for sure woldn't come back to the way it used to. when will i ever learn that love comes with sacrifises,hurt,tears. but when you said you'll let go. we both know it's never true. the ego we carry is to much for us to admit that letting go wasn't the option in any of us. you were there when my late grandmother passed away. you were right beside me. you were also there when late tapa passed away. you were there by my side. without fail. but what happened?? it's a question that either of us has the answer to. you act as if you don't care. but i'm a girl. and i know it's not true. cause you and your ego. and yes i wouldn't deny the fact that it has been that way since the day i met you. the first day at vivo. the smile you gave me. the touch that was there since the first time. that kiss on my forehead. never has been missing. cause you know that a kiss on the forehead means alot to me. those memories of us never failed to make me see that in life. we get to experience love in different ways. haish... whatever it is.. i'm going back to watch my korean show.. hehe.. you guys should catch it:)

2009-06-18T22:04:00.003+08:00

I have been very busy lately. With my work training and lots and lots of family gathering. That i barely have any time for myself. And it sucked big time.

Things haven't been well. Assumptions and more assumptions being made by that someone. And i'm getting sick and tired of it. I realised that as humans we never fail to make mistakes. But by repeating them.. I just don't get it. At all. I'm trying my best to please you. But you seem to be more ignorant as days pass by. Your assumptions hurt me. But as i try to make things clear to you. It'll only backfire. It never pleased you.. When i never did it,you keep on assuming that I did. And you can even say i treat my friends better then you. So much for being insecure. And that i'll always text them instead of you. I'm speechless. If you only knew what my old friends say about me now a days.I have barely any time for myself. And i'm just to tired to explain things that is not true. I love you but I'm getting sick of all this. And since you assume too much of not being good enough for me, it's your words not mine.

I guess I'm never perfect to you. I did one mistake and you brag about it till now. I'm done. Done with whatever you have to say. You can assume all you want now. Because it seems to me that assuming is what makes you happy. And that I spend so much time with my "friends". I'll just leave it that way. At times your jokes hurts, but it's something minor I don't wish to inform you cause you are born "perfect" in everyway. That makes me so imperfect to your eyes. I don't wish for you to compliment me every now and then. But your jokes are so personal to me. It hurts. But whatever. I'm never perfect to you anyway. I know your gonna read this. But texting you will only hurt more. I'm always busy. Your sarcasm is something i don't wish to talk about. Because yes, as you always say i'm always busy. I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME FOR MYSELF!!! When will you get the fact that i am a family girl. I cannot go home late. I can barely go out during my hols. Why isit so hard to understand??? My brother is always keeping an eye on me. And you say i'm always busy entertaining my friends. Oh yes i forgot, i told you that you don't need to understand me. Cause it's always about me. Whatever lahs. If all this makes you happy. I'm more than fine with it.

My Photoshoot

2009-06-18T20:41:00.006+08:00

ENJOY PEOPLE:)

My Photoshoot

2009-06-12T21:17:00.004+08:00

This pics were taken on err..... Tuesday as i was helping out my sis-in-law with her port folio. these were taken before we went to botanical gardens and some at botanical gardens. the rest of the pics im still waiting for it... It was my first time and i enjoyed it alot... heh... free photoshoot mahh.. hehe.. enjoy ehh Sanchi.. lol... I kinda told him i'll upload the pics... haha.. Suke?? haha...

Like doll rite?? Lol

At Botanical Gardens:)

Yes, it's me:)

My first make up done:)

I'm not Naked okayy....

My Mr Awak

2009-06-11T21:12:00.002+08:00

Hello. What a long week. Haha. I've not been rotting at home okay.. :) I just started work at Singapore Zoological Gardens. Lol.. It's okay lahh. haha. My week has been fun. And me and my dearest Mr Awak has been able to work out our differences. And i simply miss those times i had with him.

Yes. I love you. And you were patient. I never thought that loving you would give me the time to think that sometimes in love, it's always a two way thing. You give and take. You learn to treasure and learn to work things out no matter how hard the situation is. He thought me to not let go. The best memories created was when i met YOU. The annoying moments i had with you were the ones that made me fall more deeper for you. the smile you created when we are together makes it hard for me to let you go. I guess love makes you do crazy things. It's not the meetings that makes us closer, it's the times when you are not with me makes me want to make this relationship work. Those " I LOVE YOU'S" is never a bore to me. Mr Awak, You changed my life. And i'm thankful for that.

“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.”

“When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.”

I'm Very Proud Of You

2009-06-06T21:21:00.008+08:00

After the competition:)

the guy in white is the Juara for Marsiling Sec:)

Getting ready for the Rakan Muda Theme Song:)

I'm proud of all of YOU.. Rakan Muda

They Are the 1st. Since.... 2006:)

My lovely dikir guys with their winning trophy:)

Me and Andi Risna( My close friend since Sec school)

Sunan feat keen

Isma feat keen

Fid (OUR DIKIR INSTRUCTOR+MY LAUGHING GAS)

Wan Burong feat keen (THE MIANG ONE+MY CLOSE FRIEND)

Iman feat keen (BEST FRIENDS)

Swalihin feat keen(JUARA RAKAN MUDA)

Dyan feat keen

I'm verry proud of you dyan:) very..

My dearest mr. hamster.. i simply adore him...

my laughing pills

RAKAN MUDA 2009

THE LEGEND CONTINUES..

I'm very proud of what you guys have accomplished today. No doubt that there's a few mistakes, but u still did me proud. Dyan with Tukang Karut terbaik. You guys also managed to get Paluan Terbaik. I told you guys with much effort you guys could do it. And see what I meant. Not 3rd not 2nd. BUT 1ST.. Thanks for making me proud. Fid and Cikgu Rohana are also proud with what you guys attained today.. well done Rakan Muda. You made the seniors proud. All of us:)

Life Has It's Imperfections

2009-06-05T00:09:00.001+08:00

I'm back for a proper update:)

First of all, i wld like to thank this special someone for the advice. And baby has been asking me who. Now you know who.. hehe. He's like a big brother to me now. Showing his concern and of course his stupidity at times makes us closer as friends. And this time round, he saved my relationship with his kind words. I can't thank you enough for that.

And since im here. I might as well upload th pics of my dearest dikir juniors..:) happy viewing..

He's such a sweetheart. My Mr.Hamster:)

And when dikir boys have their break.. This is what happens. hahaha.. They're simply the best joy.

Training Hard:)

Juara Rakan Muda( He's a senoir btw)

P.S baby i love you:)

Too Late To Turn Back

2009-06-04T18:29:00.000+08:00

hello earthlings.

i haven't been updating. and i'm sorry. things are abit complicated but it will be fine. hopefully.

i've been busy with my old school dikir barat team. as they are having their competition this coming saturday. been helping out with the boys. and they improved tremendously. great job guys. will be over on saturday to help you guys for your last minute preps. :)

exams are over. finally. and and. it's finally the school hols. will be rotting at home for the next 1 and a half months maybe. but it's okay. i'm used to it:)

i won't eleborate much on what happens because i'm too lazy to type it all out. and im not asking for sympathy. so ya.. thats all:)

In The End

2009-05-27T18:31:00.000+08:00

In the end, i still made up my mind. It's Upsetting, Hurtful,Regretful,Disappointing. I never thought i would do it. But i did. I tried. Not letting go. Afraid of hurting. All of you. But in the end, i still had to hurt the 3 people whom i love most. Especially 'baby'. I didn't want to. But the 3 of you just won't let it go. And it disappoints me alot to see the 3 people i love most get so impatient of MY choice that they forgot that it's never easy for me as it is for you.

ABANG:

i love you. i know, all you wanted was for me to have the best things in life. You have given me everything. But this time around all you did was hurt me instead. Honestly. You upset me the most. :( You did not give a chance to Aidil( it's time i reveal who my 'baby' is all this while) You can't simply assume that 'Kadir'(names i have to change) is the right guy for me. It's unfair. To me and to Aidil. You put me in a spot and you leave me to decide all by myself? How could you abang? I depended alot on you. For everything. I thought you'll help me get through this but instead you pressurise me. With this shit. I'm upset. I'm disappointed. And the worse part yet, you supported your friend instead. Not wanting to ask if Aidil was indeed the guy who made my life meaningful ever since he entered. YOU ARE TRULY UNFAIR!!

'KADIR':

YOU! left my life long time ago cause of 'that' reason and came back after so long wanting me to be yours???!! Not knowing how i felt. You even have the cheek to ask abang for help... Why?! Cause you know that I'll listen to him? Cause you thought the feelings were still there? The same? Your so wrong. And you have the cheek to say that your more worthy? How do you know for the fact that maybe your not. Yes you knew me well. Long enough. but i was like still 14,15 back then. And the feelings were not that big of a deal to me. You expect me to wait for you.? 'Kadir' you really hurt me with those words of yours. And I really thought I knew you well.... DISAPPOINTING!

AIDIL:

The love of my life. The guy who is like a colour pencil to me, colouring up my life like a colouring book. Yes, Aidil means that much to me. but you too, upset me in a way you thought it's that easy for me. to tell you what's wrong. To keep on saying that your not that good enough for me. How do you know? I know how you felt. But did you? You keep on assuming that i will leave you for 'Kadir'. How do you know? I tried convincing you, but all you did was assume. I know in a way this whole situation hurt you. But do you even know how much it was hurting me? After all that happened between us after so long? Well you don't know how much it hurts. But i won't say much of it cause I know nothing i say will ever convince you. And i know very well enough that you are going to assume again.

Now all that's left of it all are the tears and the hurt. And i want to apologies. Especially to Aidil that i made that choice. I regretted. But it left me no choice. You know so well I Love You more then anything else in the world. And I know you feel the same. Cause it's still hard for me to let you go. And I want us to be like last time. Because deep down, it only makes us stronger. As a couple. We learn through the hard times. And this time round, I'm not letting you go. Only if we could have that chance again. To give it another try. Cause now, we have nothing to hide. And you know what i mean. I know you will read this. Because I know You can't let go of me like how i can't let go of you. I LOVE YOU MUHAMMAD AIDIL FARID. And I mean it. :( It's time people know who my "baby","awak" is.....

MUHAMMAD AIDIL FARID

I'm sorry abang, I'm sorry 'kadir'. i can't let him go. just yet.

I Know...

2009-05-25T23:19:00.000+08:00

heyy earthlings. im back:) and yes. i went to sch... yipee!!! well. things between me and baby has been shaky. and well. i know. "YOU" read my blog. and i'm fine with it. "YOU" should know who "YOU" people are. cos i'm referring to 2 people. but i'm fine with it. i feel way better that we don't have to hide anymore:) baby's happy. and so am i:) GOSH!! finally kn syg?? heh:) *cheeky smile*

hehe. baby. i don't want this to end. but i don't know till wen am i going to go through all this.

i can't possibly keep both. can i? hmphf! well.. i stop here for today.

baby, i'm sorry. for everything. i hope time helps. me and us.

hopefully..

I'm Heartbroken & Stuck In Between

2009-05-24T18:59:00.000+08:00

i'm lost. and i'm stuck in between love and brother's facts.

i love him. i also love my brother and the fact that he's always so concerned about me.

i should not have met abg yesterday. now it leaves a scar so deep.

he left me with tears and making the right decision. abg left me confused.

all he had to say was:

abg: adk, what are u chasing after? the right one has been right infront of u for so long..

me: huh?

abg: don't pretend you don't noe.

all i was left with was silence after that. cause deep down i noe who abg was refering to.

but i am in love with another guy. i don't noe wats wrong with me. yes i admit i love him.

but the guy who is right infront of me has been there. for so long. and i'm chasing after someone

who i thought i fell in love with. i'm just as confused. what is it that i'm feeling.? im so afraid that if i let him go, i'll get hurt. he'll get hurt. then how?

baby. i syg u. i really love you. i won't blame abg. cause i noe. there's somethings that he said is partly true and partly wrong. but it's still hard for me to tell. i dont want to let go of baby and get hurt. and i don't want to get hurt and regret later on. but somehow i believe that everything happens for a reason. i can't simply leave bby and go to someone whom abg has confidence in.

i don't. and believe on making my own choices in life. to me my baby is responsible enough to be another part of me. and i have that believe that he will be able to take good care of me just the same as how any other guys will be able to. he's proved to me too much for me to see that hurt in his eyes if i decide otherwise.

how am i suppose to look at him again? if i decide to leave him? he will get so hurt and the things bby wanted to avoid for so long is going to be true. and i have to take the blame. yet again. and i noe. and i can't deny. i have feelings. for the other "one" for so long. but i wldn't let it happen. n now. he's come back. with abg's help. how am i suppose to be happy when i know baby will be so upset that he might never want to see me again??? abg said. it's a game.

yes abg i agree. love's a game. someone will get hurt. but not baby. i can't simply hurt him after alot of things proven. just to have him shower me with that kind of love already takes time. and so easily i want to break his heart. im the villian now. a heartbreaker. but nobody will know how hard it is. for me. abg. adk love abg and i know, as a brother u always wanted the best for me. but i need more than a brother's love rite now. i need abg to guide me. that's all... :(

baby. i know reading this will hurt. just so you know. it hurts a lot more typing this. and i'm hurt with every moment of this.... :(

It's Been A Boring Week

2009-05-22T19:00:00.000+08:00

heyy earthlings. i haven't been updating my blog for soo long yarrh..

it's been dead. i noe. cause i've been sick the whole week. and baby has been complaining about not meeting. pity him. i miss him alot. i went to school on monday but i didn't feel good.

so called up my mom during break time and went to the doctor. i got 2 day mc. but so much hoping that i wld get well on weds, i still didn't. i was so hoping to see baby. but2.

he still managed to drop by my place yesterday n accompany me at hme. gosh i missed him truckloads. i also missed alot of lessons. shitass. exams are coming and im stuck here at hme. sick. breathless and cant even walk for too long. now im like losing weight cause i haven't been having the appetite to eat. and i'm like stuck to the bed almost all the time cause if i sit too long my head will start spinning. and if i walk around, i feel like i'm floating. gee.. i nvr got this sick in my life before. i missed school. and my dearest kinah and alif.d hope i get to go to school on monday.:)

Dissapointed

2009-05-16T22:37:00.000+08:00

UPSET..

that's all i have to say:(

Tears Again, Im So Sorry

2009-05-15T22:36:00.000+08:00

im sorry bie. i did not mean to dissapoint you. i'm really sorry.

i love him i really do. but im hurt by wat u asked me. am i serious? i know bie,

i'm in the wrong. i should stop doing what i did. because i know, you don't like it.

now i just don't know if i'm ever going to be good enough for you. am i? will i?

i'm always thinking that i don't deserve you, i don't deserve your love.

i'm just afraid that it's going to be true. i'm so afraid of losing him now.

it's like, he's all another dream. and i'm afraid when i wake up one day,

he might not be there. and i don't want that to happen.

i don't want to lose you.

bie, im sorry for what i did.

ILY<3

M.A.F :)

“I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.”

Still Wondering

2009-05-13T21:24:00.000+08:00

hello ppl. just came home just now. and had to accompany atok to go have his dinner.today baby went for ____. won't say. heh. so i was like wondering what to do. coz it was still early just now. so when walking home just now, ii saw ain. so... lepak uhhs. heh.and sadly batt went flat. hmphf! boredom. baby msged me but i didn't reply.. sorry bie..but overall. things are okie today in school.

Sometimes i missed the old times...

the way u used to make me feel like i'm the whole world to you.

the times u called me gorgeous.

the times u made me special.

not saying about my flaws coz u noe i'll be upset.

the sweet "i love you's" you'll send me so randomly.

ditching ur frens for me.

tolerating my ohh-so-emotional instability

i know too well that i can't expect all this anymore

i noe i can't compare. coz i noe it'll never be the same. but i have to admit. im emotional. and i can't help it. it's been that way since forever. yes i have flaws. and yes i need constant reminder. i am insecure. it's just the way it is. and that's just me. hiash..... im sorry bie :(

no matter what,im still falling in love with my bie each and everyday of my life.

It's A Monday

2009-05-11T21:09:00.000+08:00

well today school was okay. came for SW a got to play floorball. heh.i woke up early morning so that i won't be late for SW.Before i left home daddy love called me.

ayah: adk, you sure got school anot?

me: yes ayah. y?

ayah: don't lie adk. i just drove by your school and it's so empty.

me: don't lie lah. my friend say got school. call u back later.

i called lenny up and asked. she said confirm got school cause only sec and primary got hols.

5 mins later i called daddy up.

me: ayah, today got school lahh.

ayah: are you sure anot adk? jgn tipu.

me: ayah, u go look at the time lahh. it's only 730. where got ppl go sch early.??

ayah: okay2.

haha.he thinks i want to wake up in the morning and go lepak. shops are not even open yet.and he should know betta that i'm so good at sleeping till noon. i'm a pig lahh easy to say.hehe.i finish school at 4 and hang ard wif alif.d for awhile.chey2 da 1.2 sey. haha(abg2 bbdc) LOL.met up with love after so long. gosh i miss him. hugged him like hell. i'm still meeting him tmr:)

SO HAPPY!!

ur my everything too awk:)

dn't worry.

it's still going on strong.and i'm so happy to have him stay by my side the way he does everytime.somehow wen i think abt it,his looks doesn't match his attitude. he may be so matrep looking, but deep down,he is way sentimental then i cld have guessed.hw wld i noe a guy so SOMBONG like him cn be the one whom i fell in love with.

1st impression:

omg, dat guy so matrep! da gitu tkpe. SOMBONG pulak tu.

haha.

NOW:

everything i do. he is always in my mind. everyday and every minute of my life.

people don't have to noe who he is.all that matters is that no matter what life has to offer.i'm always his. he taught me to move on.he allowed me to fall and catch me with open arms:)

and im so thankful that God gave me his greatest give. that is YOU "awk":)

“You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived.You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,or you can be full of the love you shared.You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.You can remember him only that he is gone,or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.Or you can do what he'd want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

I Haven't Been Updating

2009-05-10T11:29:00.000+08:00

hello earthlings.well sumone decide to drop by my blog and give a stupid tag.wat a good thing to start wif after so long. oh well.the person can go n f**k himself/herself for all i care. nobody ask u to come here n READ in the first place.y b sucha KPO! sickening ppl.dare to tag but don't want to put ur name. sucha coward!well.. i'm lazy to update actually..

hehs.let's start on thurs.

thurs....

i wasn't feeling well on that day. thanks to 2 ppl who have been sick ard me.hehe.but it's okie. i still went for my floorball training tho'.despite being sick.after floorball.my love fetch me at clementi wen i realised love actually cut his hair! so cute! hehe. sat ard for a while && went hme straight aft.

fri...

was suppose to stay in school till 5. but it was cancelled.so.. i msg love n asked if he wanted to meet me.so we did.i sat ard wif alif.d,nura,sab and chatted.we talked crap all the way.. but it was fun..wen love came,&& alif.d went bck to sch, i asked if he wanted to go to queensway. && he agreed. love had takraw aft dat so we didn't stay long there.

sat...

hmm....it's a verry...verryy.... long day... so im too lazy to update..BUT..

we went to celebrate mother's day:) my siblings,i and daddy, planned a spa treatment for dearest ibu:) she loved it! well ibu dearest. u deserve it after all these years bringing us up. after dat. it's like a food marathon for my whole family.heh.we ate like from 4.30 and god noes wen we actually stopped. hahaha. we went to MARINA BARRAGE also:) weeee..... hope u enjoy ur day ibu:)

SUNDAY!!!

I MISS LOVE ALOT!!

(READ THIS AWK,IT'S A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT.. HMPHF!)

tmr sch starts n im not looking forward to sch.. too lazy i guess. or maybe too tired..:)

&& not forgetting... to all mother's..

A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY:)

ibu feat the notorious siblings. heh:)

atok feat me & ikah

nurashikin

ayah & his pampered daughter:)

It Keeps Bothering Me

2009-05-06T19:58:00.000+08:00

“You've spent your whole life running and running, trying to catch up with something that has never been there for you. And all you've done is go farther and farther away from the precious love that's been waiting for you all the time.”

somehow i think it's my fault.

for not taking good care of you.

for leaving my chores undone.for hurting you.

but I'm still human.

and humans are bound to have mistakes.

you can't expect me to be perfect?

now I'm afraid.afraid of hurting "him".

the past that still haunts me.

the pain of not being able to trust.

the thirst to feel the love.

now I'm insecure.and i know somehow i have to let it all go.

but y is it still so difficult?

y is it that everytime i learn to let go the memories come back to haunt me.

but now i learn to let go.

even though it kills.

cause i know now,

i deserve someone better and so glad i found "HIM"

i want to share my world with "him".

i want " him" to be the one who wipes away my tears.

but i don't want to rush.

because.somehow.deep down in side of me.

i noe "he" will always be there.

to catch me when i fall.

hoping so hard that it will be that way for years to come.

but yet.i know,it takes time."he" taught me the reason to be patient.

"he" taught me to smile.

"he" gave me the reason to always look forward to tommorrow.

cause i know,

deep down "he's" always there when the sun rises each morning.

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

2 Hearts Merged As One

2009-05-05T21:48:00.000+08:00

heyy earthlings.today sch was okie.did our powerpoint presentation just now.&& i think my group did verry verry well.good job ppl:) i felt damn nervous i tell ya.like my head is going to xplode!serious shit lahh seyy.hahs.well.during sch hours,we rushed to get our project done.&&well,we did it:)thanks to alif.d alot lahh.for editing && adjusting the powerpoint.well,he's verry good at it wat. hehs.aft sch i met wif my dearest "awk".went for our 430 movie at jp.friday the 13th.i tell u.the movie was damn...ermm..hw do u say it.scary lahhs.i mean its not about ghost or anithing.it's just bloody! hahas.&& it has sexual contents.haha.so ppl under the age of 18 cn just sit outside the movie theater.hahahaha.jkjk.i enjoyed my whole day wif him just nw.ewah2.2days straight okie.hehe.& i'm so loving it.YES!verry much:) thanks for the movie "awk".love sabby imy u lahh!!shitass.it's been like so long since i last had a proper conversation with her u noe.well,she did not attend school just nw.hope she's doing well:).&&today is alif.d&lynn 31mth anniversary.have a blissful relationship u guys.:)&&&&& not forgetting today's my boify rayvin's bday!happie 17th bday BOIFY!ur the best boify i cld ever imagine bullying u noe!hahs.but watever it is.life wldn't be the same without u rayvin:)ur the most outstanding among the rest of my classmates.hehs:)so yarrhs.this ends it all:)

I Won't Leave You For Anything Else:)

2009-05-04T19:49:00.000+08:00

this is the only picture i can offer u ppl rite nw:)

hello earthlings:) today sch was okie.after sch was even betta.:)i met my "awk" aft sch.tho i had to wait.it's worth the waiting.heh.yeah.wen u love sumone u cn say dat lahhs.rite2?hahs.i dnt noe wat to update actually.but i was suppose to do my last min touch up for my powerpoint prsentation tmr.bt im stealing the time to update.just now my "awk" was extremely sweet lorrx.i told him about the possibilitty to follow my brother & migrate to Australia with them.leaving the most wonderful ppl in the world.which i noe wldn't happen for any particular reason.but might be a 0.005% chance of dat happening. :( "awk" did'nt look at me in the eyes & say it. but the thoughts of it coming out frm his mouth reallie melts my heart. "dn't leave me" was wat he said.Awwwww........swit rite?? :) ily b...i didn't wanna rush things with him coz "awk's" like mine in another way.heh.i won't update much lahhs.coz i have like things to do rite now.&& i will be meeting my "awk" again tmr..!!! wee........ :)

having to have u look at me && say those words mean the world to me bb:)

he's trying to be my another "awk" haha. alif.alif..

Thank God It's Sunday:)

2009-05-03T19:56:00.000+08:00

gosh it's sunday.and im thankful.very thankful dat i get to go to sch tmr.to meet my laughing gases.love sakinah,alif.d,sabby&&my classmates.gosh i miss them.3 whole days of rotting at hme.shitass.&& i cnt wait to meet my "awk" tmr.gosh i miss him alot lahh sey!!"awk" is like my another half now.&& im proud to say it."awk" is like working nw.but,but.he still has time to text me every now && den to ask me wat im doing.tho' everywhere i go i will text him.but he's still the sweetest drug u noe:)heh. too bad i cnt load any of his pics just yet.it's like...i'm collecting his pics in my fon u noe!hahs.well.... labour day was spent at the hospital.coz my babyboy aka ridwan has high fever.. yarrh! it's like38.9! verry verry high!so me && ibu dearest has to wait at k.k for like so many hours coz ders like a lot of sick children der. hahs. SWINE FLU!! ayah cnt go in wif us coz onli 2 family members are allowed for each patient. so ayah went ard to find passengers. pity ayah.hmm.i &ibu like talked a lot despite the fact dat ridwan is constantly vomiting all over the place.&& he vomited on my JEANS! on the way to k.k!but i still love u babyboy! luckily ur sick! or not im going to have to kill u!hahs...

ibu was suppose to act upset. haha. so fake lahh ibu!

i dn't noe if she is smiling or not.. onlie she noes.

daddy's favourite..

ridwan took tis picture.. hehs...

btw. dat was onlie friday. saturday.hmm. i rot a hme.coz i has tummy ache.&& today well. went for lucnh at ktm.as ibu had to werk today.so we just ate lunch der.&& today i went jogging lahh seyy. haha. with ridwan and my 2 sisters whom i adore alot. hahs.i saw my 3 pathetic brothers of mine & my 3rd brother's fiance. hehs.they're going swimming at bedok jetty.haha.mcm paham ehhs dorg tu.i heard my 1st n 2nd bro going to Australia soon. for werk. at Disneyland! hmphf!not fair. they will b going for 8mths.:( verry long. nw no one to irritate me with stupid jokes animore. sigh.tho' shit happens between us. i still love dem.my flesh && blood.mama will b migrating der in a years time. after dey settle down der.haish.watever it is u guys betta get me something okie!!hehe. my "awk" haven't reply my msg lehhs.confirm tgh bz tau! hmm. fancy him letting me rot at hme.blueks!

i miss my "awk"...

It's Hols People

2009-05-01T14:52:00.000+08:00

heyy dearest earthlings.it's hols today.& im sitting at hme.doing noting but rot.my "awk" is working today.& he left me at hme to rot like a banana.hmphF!i missed my "awk" very much.somehow.i just dnt think i need him to proof to me things dat i noe is alrdy der.i noe ur words are always true "awk".i always wonder do i really deserve ur love? ur care? u?i noe i've known u onlie for awhile,but im just hoping dat u'll be the one holding my whole world in ur hands.to be able to trust again.i want u to be the one to wipe away my tears.to tell me everythings okie.will this dreams of mine be true in aniway? faith is all i have..:) but i miss someone much more.being at hme w/o her ard animore to cook my favourite dishes,to pamper me with chocolates.to ask me out to j.p.i miss her.i miss my granny.i'm still trying to get hold of it. but i cnt.every nite.i pray n hope she's in a place where she gets unconditional love.noeing dat i cnt hug her like how i used to.nw i wonder abt the upcoming hari raya.who's gona make all my fav kuihs? my fav kuih tart? my fav dishes. my first raye w/o her.nenek.keen miss nenek so much.every nite i cnt help but feel lonely.not feeling ur fingers touching my hair.she's more den my grandmother.she's my mother i grew up with.she's my listening ear.my shoulder to cry on.my hero. in every way.she nvr scolded me. not even once.even tho' deep down she knew i did something wrong. she nvr raised her voice.she comfort me.talked to me in a way no others cld do.nenek.having to lose u is the most hardest thing i cld ever think of rite now.she always wanted to see me happy.nvr see me in tears.the last nite. b4 took ur last breath.u said thank u. to me. for taking care of u.it wasnt necessary.i shld be the one thanking you.for bringing me up.for 19 years of my life. shielding me thru those harsh moments of life. for pampering me.for everything i cld nvr imagine someone else doing.ur my mother.my angel.my everything.u always wanted me to be the best.in everything i do.i will.i will do it for u nenek.i'll try:( . al-fateha...

my dearest,sweetest nenek.

she loves flowers.like me:)

our last hari raya together. :(

That Someone Is Special To Me

2009-04-29T20:18:00.000+08:00

today was okie.just dat i was late for first class again!shitass!but it's true that lifeskill is boring wat.u cnt expect me to sit der n listen to crap rite?haiyah.watever it is,i met my "awk" just nw.weeeeeee!!!!! so happie. i missed him tau!spending dat few hours just makes up the 48hrs not meeting him.heh.well,wen we sit together.we mostly talked crap.but i like it.hahs.alif.d!kau tkmo sebok2 okie!go get ur own gay partner!"awk's" mine! && onlie mine! so stay away! u can take rayvin for all i care.hahs. jkjk.i dn't noe wat to type lahhs.having him ard is just..speechless.i cn't imagine life w/o him.but it's just the beginning.his text msges brings a smile to my face every single time.his concern melts my heart.his smiles..like a sunshine.or perhaps a rainbow.hmmm..i'm lost for words wen it comes to him.i noe i cnt expect a fairytale.but i can always dream rite?have faith.it'll help. i guess.he asked me about my post. my monday post i mean.he didn't quiet understand wat it means.but dearest.in tis kind of thing.u dn't hav to understand it all.u just hav to noe one thing. and dat is. i need u der with me.coz ur the hand dat holds up my light.&& brighten up my days.&& hopefully. for years to come:)&& wen we have pen&paper infront of us & noting to do. tis is wat happen:)

im forgetting something.my love kinah is sick.i hope u get betta soon okie love:)

U Mean Something To Me

2009-04-27T19:22:00.000+08:00

heyy earthlings..i haven't been updating during my weekends. too lazy too update lahhs. heh:) dn't angry okie.

SATURDAY..
hmm....i was suppose to meet love sabby on sat but plans changed.my aunt bought tickets to watch JANGAN TEGUR.A malay horror movie. my mom was der.not forgetting my curly haired stepfather n my pathetic brother who is like a girl wen it comes to horror movie was also der. hahs.aft movies we went to have our dinner at cck. SEAFOOD! damn it was nice. aft dinner went hme lahh. nk g aner lag??? haha. jkjk.

SUNDAY..
went to study wif love sab.heh.had fun kn b? we laughed at the slightest things lahh sey.like stupid like dat. but oh well. it was funny wat.my "awk" went to the library to get his mafi book on sunday.hahs."awk" if i get my hands on dat book! i swear i'll throw it away tau "awk"! hahs.but "awk" likes those mafia things lahhs. cn't help it kn "awk". i told "awk" i'll reach hme by 9.bt2 being to engrossed in some stuff, i went off at 9. heh.love sabby sent me to mrt && guess who i saw??? love alif.d lahh seyy!! the bday boy!! chey da 18 or wat?? thurs kiter gy kie alif.d??tkmo ajak kinahh tau!! dier tk bolehh msok.. hahs jkjk.kinah tkmo mrh kie? heh. i'll upload the pics kie sabby....

MONDAY..
which is today..hmm..okie2 lahh.normal monday.nothing special.bt missed my "AWK" alot lahh.hmphf! but today was fine.went to subway for lunch to treat love alif.d & kinahh as their belated bday gift. hahs.today no training.(floorball training i mean)abit bored lahh.today is alif.d punyer first theory lesson.suke alif.d? eksyen ehh. mentang2 da 18.. hahs.watever it is,alif.d,live life to the fullest love. u live onlie once. :) and ppl it hurts sometimes.wen dat the someone u have feelings for is rite infront of u,bt u still have to pretend.just looking at u from the corner of my eyes.it's hard.but i hav to bear with it rite?is der a choice?for him?for me?i miss him truckloads.feelings growing.but hw r we suppose to do tis.wen i see him smile.it's like the sun in the early morning.so bright.dat it feels so good dat He is willing to give us the chance to see another day.being thankful for what He has in store for us. like it or not.he has given us the chance.to still be with the ones u love.dat is hw he makes me feel each time he smiles.but hw am i suppose to go on pretending.one thing i learnt.patience brings wonders to the world.i'm hoping for dat to be true.somehw for me.it's worth waiting.for him.deep down i noe he feels the same.dat few hours spent with u.it's like a rainbow right on top of me.colouring my world.yes.dats hw much u mean to me nw:)bt dat pretending is wat makes us miss each other more each day:) yes love? watever it is. i'll let Him decide my fate. like how He decides the others. Thank God for giving me a chance to see another tmr. & another chapter of my life. & another day with "awk" && my loves:)

PICTURE TIME!!! :)

the 2 ppl who nvr leave me alone!! heh :)

alif.d & his new beg! hahs.

my love sab!

my annoying boify in class. bt ily lah rayvin! hahs

Lost,Angry,Afraid

2009-04-24T19:05:00.000+08:00

hello earthlings:). im bck.first of all. its hasn't been a good 2 days for me. it SUCKED! big time. i fought wif dearest___. den came to dat idiotic ex.bf of mine who cldn't shut up. && someone's bf who thinks he's sucha BIGSHOT. && simply someone who cldn't bloody shut her BIG BLOODY MOUTH.!!! not forgetting a girl who likes to talk shit and cn't seem to face the consequences of her bloody actions! if u dnt dare. then shut the bloody mouth of urs! sickening fool! y b sucha a bloody mak cik KPO in sch huh??? && u still wonder y ppl dnt like u??!! asshole!

i hate fighting with "her". it feels so diff. SERIOUSLY! she's a bloody GREAT pal to b wif in the ferst place. HONEST! but whatever it is.. i hope things will get betta for us yarrhs babe. i'm hoping it wld.

well..........as for today... i met wif my "AWK"!! wee!!! hee.. so happy!! met "awk" after sch today. cos i missed "awk". he texted me in the morning and asked if i wanted to meet up.. DURH??!!! hahs. met aft sch n went to the library at j.e ferst to find "awk"'s book. but cldn't find it. and i find the library at jurong east sucha bore. so we went to j.e swimming complex to study there instead. den came love kinah n her "punkass" babylove. they went swimming. hahs. i bought winglets and keep feeding "awk" haha.. dats funny.. but "awk" still kept eating wat... heh... den came this conversation. which at dat point of time i reallie felt the guilt. of snatching "awk" away from somebody. but"awk" told me its not my fault. && i fell way. way. betta. Thanks "awk"! kite syg "awk". we spent time. den i went hme. "awk" send me hme before proceeding to j.e to go hme as "awk" is having takraw later this evening. "awk" prepaid is low.. :( hope he will top up soon. okayy "awk".?? we had this conversation which we think we have to b way prepared b4 the event actually hit us. but then "they" still have to accept the fact dat i reallie like "awk" and vice versa. but i hope this event wont happen anitime soon. as im freaking not raedy. im afraid. to lose "awk". :(

watever it is i hope things will turn out betta for us. rite "awk"?

love.sabby.

the amount of time we used to spend together as frens.. imy love sab.

Life's About To Get Better.

2009-04-23T09:42:00.000+08:00

heyy earthlings....in in efc classs nw. just finished copying stuff.. heh.. today im early for class.. and i'm proud of myself. haha. my "awk" never reply my msg..:( prepaid low i guess.. or he's still sleeping..gosh if "awk" still sleeping. im gonna kill u "awk"!!! my love kinah"s late.. she's not in class. onli me and love alif.d.+ the rest of the class of coz.. btw. i didn't wana update dat much yesterday coz im so FUCKING mad with some ppl. bt wateva it is. i'll not elaborate. cos it's a public blog aniways rite? so i won't. i'm missing my "awk". hahs. i noe "awk" is gonna read this. knn "awk"??so KPO! hehs. i'm having my floorball training today. with the new girls. i told "awk" && he say he's gonna come down! hmphf! my "awk" so miang! nk tgk chicks jerr. but i hope to have fun during training today...
i'll update more at nite yarrh ppl!!! see u ard..!!!

Im Lost For Words

2009-04-22T18:11:00.000+08:00

one word for today. FUCK! do ur own interpretation kie ppl!

I'm Happy Now....

2009-04-20T20:54:00.000+08:00

hey earthlings.. im back.. well, i didn't blog on sunday.. ohh well, what's der to update aniways... haha... it's monday.. && well i had fun! yarhhs. on a MONDAY! weird huh? i met my "awk" just nw. hehs. yes my "awk". weee!!!!! my "awk" is veri slenger lahhs today. dnt noe y. but very the cute lah. realli had fun.. seriously. my "awk" was looking rather lethargic tho just nw.. mayb dats the reason y all the sentences dat came out from his mouth was all jumbled up.. haha... 9a.m thru the day.. haha... u noe i noe lahh "awk" ehh... hehe...reallie lahh. i had fun today. everytime he's around, it brightens up my day. somehow im afraid. so afraid for falling again. isit meant to be?? i mean. feelings cnt b controlled rite?? wat if it's a one sided thing? i have to admit the feeling is starting to grow. but wat if i'm wrong? wat if he doesn't want to b der the way i tot he wld be? wat if he felt dat he needed to be der onlie as a fren? the wat if's in my head is never ending. wat if he likes but he doesn't love. it's possible rite? but he makes me happie. URRGH!! confused. hmm. my gf sabby has alrdy found herself the guy of her dreams.. congrats my love. hope u have a blissful relationship with him.. i'm happie for ya.. i was quite shocked tho'. mcm so ramdom seyy.. haha.but yarrhs. as long as she's happie. im happie for her. im not so sure wat to update about now.. lets keep "awk" as tis someone who is not allowed to b revealed yet okie ppl... haha. it's strictly confidential tau! im guessing there's no floorball tmr.. haven't receive any msg from the seniors yet.hmm.ohh well. i'll update tmr ya ppl. :)

It's Saturday.

2009-04-18T22:06:00.000+08:00

heyy earthlings... im bck.... today was okie... i was suppose to meet up with kinah && alif.d
today but eventually we had to cancel it. i was suppose to stay home but den my sisters
has been pastering me to go watch 17 again.. so we did.. we were suppose to watch at
jurong point. but ended up at causeway point. hehs....

my awk stayed hme the whole day today... im guessing mafia wars is an addictive game huh?
hahaha.... tmr is sunday.... i wonder wat i'll be doing tmr... hmm...
&& btw, i read my dear nonoi cat's blog today.... im not angry at u lahhs.. haha... wat onlie taus.
&& u dnt hav to worrie.. ur not fat.. and ur not gona b obessed lahh dearest...
y do u even hav to tink dat way... so much for asking me to think positive..
my awk haven't repli my msg... tk prasan lag lah tu! blueks... but.but.but
i tink awk saving prepaid... hehs..... nw i dnt noe wat to type...
i'll update tmr lahh....

p.s.i'll always rmb the times we spent together. our sweetest memory.
stuck to my head.stays in my heart.always.

Im Starting To Smile Again.....

2009-04-17T21:06:00.000+08:00

heyy ppl...im bck too update...i noe..i noe...i updated just now..but this is an update for another half of my day spent outside....thanks to some ppl or u cld say SOMEONE.i actually
tink its reallie time to move on..its the fact dat love cnt be force no matter wat i say..it's true,
it's hard letting him go but u see...i cnt b stuck in my past...der won't b a presant nor a future.
for us..

i went to woodlands just now..accompany andi to his dikir practice...more like other sch punye
training lahhs.heh. qihua primary if i'm not wrong. it's been a long time since i hang out
with andi...one whole YEAR...dat gundu! always talk nonsense..but yarrhs...he's my close fren.
since sec sch...&& he's been a great pal...

i miss alif.d..sab..kinah..one whole day i nvr see dem tau!!! hmphf!! btw..as i was reading
my tag board just nw...dat SOMEONE tag me...SOMBONG! im starting to wonder hw he
actuallie get into my blog... haha... KPO tau si SOMBONG nie..heh.jkjk..

weekends are coming... im meeting my two dearest at civic to do our powerpoint tmr...yay!!!
maybe im doing part of it today...so its easier... && btw... i cnt stop thinking of the fact dat
he keep on poushing me away...to find someone betta..when all i wanted was to just be with him... the fact that he kept pushing me away with all these kind of stupid but yet annoying reasons... i start to realise dat it's time i get on with life && dat he has moved on with his...
it's true isn't it?? saying dat it's all for my sake...SHIT lahhs...but im starting to let go nw..
painful? yes..but i have no choice...im happie nw.... :) i have to b...

BOREDOM...

2009-04-17T09:31:00.000+08:00

im in sch now... and im bored.... alif.d && kinah both not herre... sigh.... ohh well. i woke up late
just nw.. i woke up at 8. haha. wen my class actually starts at 8. Andi called me and asked me
where i am.. and i told him with my "burok" just woke up voice...

andi: keen, kau ptne?
keen: aku baru bdn tdo asl?
andi: kau start class kol brape?
keen: 8. haha.
andi: kau siap brape lame?
keen. 30 mins g2.
andi: okie. gy skola ngn aku uhhs.
keen: kie2... kau tgu aku pat bstp umh aku.

lols... i noe... the conversation is not necessary.. but as u see... im bored!!!!!!!

hahs....
for the first time in history...
i didn't bring money to sch...
fcuk!
and i'm actually suppose to be typing my resume for LFS but im not doing it.
hahs... i get bored easily u see.. well.... i'll update more later lahh okie.???
have a nice day my dearest earthlings....

Thankful....????

2009-04-15T19:44:00.000+08:00

today is sucha a boredom... seriously....
i missed the class cheer... for the april intake students i mean:(
sch ends at 4.. but my dearest fren alif.d...
left at 3.30 i guess... NK CABOT JERR!!
bt den... wen mr.kuek came to class... i said we were feeling so lethargic dat he dismissed us...
he was in class for less den 10 mins... haha... cool knns...??
aft sch.... i and sabby decided to stay && study for awhile.. bt nothig can get thru my mind rite
nw.... so aft 30 mins of just sitting der and look at her study.. we decided to go off...
hahs... so much for wanting to study... && talk about study... our class test just nw.... was so
funny.... we got the chance to CHEAT.. as we were sitting so close to each other.... hahs:)
nw i dnt know wat else to type..... :)
aiyah... update tmr lahh okie ppl??? hahs......

&& wen boredom occurs in class wen the teacher is BORING!!! tis is wat happen!

Hurt,Lost,Confused

2009-04-14T19:06:00.000+08:00

i cnt thank enuf to those frens of mine who always der for me...
wen i needed a fren...
to wipe my tears away && make things okay...
thanks dearest frens... i love you guys truck loads...
SABBY,KINAH,ALIF.D,NORA.
thanks you guys...

i meet my bby boy just nw...
couldn't stop my tears..
it kept runnig down as he just kept looking at me..
the words dat came out from his mouth...
"u.. stop crying.. pls..."
i noe he felt the guilt for seeing me dat way...
bt all i felt was the guilt, the regret..
cnt stop blaming myself for wat happen..
he held me..
wipe my tears away...
the touch..
so gentle....
the look...
so angelic..

he promised me he'll stay by my side..
he said if i ever nid aniting just cal...
but for hw long??
the kissed..
on my cheek..
felt so warm..
cldn't help bt cry...
the tears he wipe..

all i cld ever do nw is hang on to faith..
hoping things cld get betta for us..

tmr will create new memories...
and yesterdays event dat will always linger in my heart..
forever..

2009-04-13T21:09:00.000+08:00

I Feel Lost In Translation .

finally i hav a blog... thanks to my dearest SAB aka nonoi for her help... haha... i didnt tink it was a nid.. but then again... may its a place where i cn finnaly write about hw my life goes around..
i missed having my baby boy ard.... things change... ppl change. dats the fact rite? cnt simply avoid it... bt i miss those moments where he held me tight... telling me dat things will be alrite...
&& he'll b der for me... anitime of the day... it's a mistake letting him go.. nw.. i cnt help but feel lost..alone...

i guess its too late...
decisions are made..
i've hurt him...
now i have to feel the hurt..
again...
mayb we are just not meant to be..
i'll have to let it go..
all of it..
its all memories nw...
past..
ders no more us...

it's left with memories..
memories of us.....
letting go is the hardest thing right nw...
letting u go....
i loved you..
its all my stupid fault...
my mistake..
dat'll i regret...
for the rest of my life....

bb.. i love you....